Disgusted/Crazy

Diablo and I seem to have settled down for now - this shit is wearing me out.

My self esteem is taking a huge hit, I don't know why, every time I see myself I hate my self more, its like I grow every time I look... bigger,fatter, more disgusting.

I am falling back into old habits, its awful - I feel like I want to cut all the fat parts off . . .though now its seems to have escalated from last time - I am not just targeting my stomach and thighs any more, I feel really fucked up over my breasts too. I want a boob job or I want them cut off, I just hate them now like I hate the rest of me.

I am on the brink of cutting it all off.
Just taking blades and cutting it off - I should also point out I missed therapy today, my therapist was sick.

I feel kind of helpless - but there is a strange quiet peace...maybe this relationship does only work when I am broken.

I miss Near and Cage and Conker and my friend F-Tank, since shes made good with her pedo ice junkie bf she doesn't come around any more

.I am talking to my ex fiancée ... Lets call him - Entropy.
I don't talk to him as much as I should, I miss him sometimes. I've never been so sure of anything in my life. Nothing has ever crumbled that badly before either lol The name is quite fitting - A slow and beautiful decline, kind of how our relationship went.

I wanted to go night swimming, maybe tomorrow, I hope so. It helps clear my head... besides there is only so much a swim suit can cover so I cant slip too bad tonight.

I am getting strange spider veins on my rib cage and breasts too, so odd. Not helping how I feel.

What I would give to melt into the floor and disappear.

Aofie  

The fall and the crash

Art by me.

Well . . .the past few days have been one hell of a clusterfuck.

Diablo and I have been rocky as hell - I think its all ok now.
I'll fight till I am bleeding and broken as long as I think there is chance to make it better, I don't give up on love, or people in general. Not once in my life have I given up on someone.
I have walked away and only 3 times, one time I did fix, I just needed to breathe.

My eyes are so dry I cant even cry as release. I've had an upset stomach despite staying away from everything that I am intolerant to.
To top it off, Ive put on weight - I am avoiding as many picture of people as I can, the last thing I need is my E.D flaring up.

I just feel so miserable and broken and fragile - beaten down.

I would have given any bodypart/vital organ to kiss Near had I known it might have been my last chance, I should have taken the plunge on his last night, better forgiveness than permission right? Who am I kidding, the guilt would kill me, Its like he's behind a pane of glass - I just want to hold him one more time, Diablo changed the rules of our relationship and its almost two years till hes back again - though years,distance and lovers do little to quell what's between us, whatever it is - I'd never fall in love with him again, 18 year old me will never forget the pain, besides hes poly-married, I could only cope with a one off every now and then with him if it did happen.

Old feelings die hard, I couldn't deal with it some how, not where he is involved..

Diablo changed the rules just as Near and I where talking about how to make it work, our history, something that we've never spoken about in detail before - it hurts so much -

Near's words, the one's that will always remind me not to love him again are playing in my head, I feel 18 again: "I could really easily fall into a relationship with you, but I promised my self Id stay single for 12 months, I have to do this for myself, I am so sorry"
 I understand but that shredded me, I'd never met anyone like him before - I was always going to fall.

And then there is Cage, lovely lovely Cage, who I sadly was "that girl" to today, the one who vents about how shitty her bf is being. I feel pretty bad over it. I really do.
We went for a bush walk and took photos, got sushi and hung out. He really is amazing.
We are hanging out tomorrow, provided I get though tonight in one human shaped chunk it should be lovely and even if I dont it should be fun anyway.

This was a long post full of sighs -

Aofie

Chunky.

I woke up with a migraine today, everything had a blue aura and I knew what was going to happen.
I slept most of it away, managed to get some stuff done. I planted some tomatoes and Italian parsley. I have some seeds I should plant tomorrow too. I love gardening <3

The down side of today being I wanted to get so much more done, I was meant to restart my fitness routine after a bad sprain healed. I really love starting things on Mondays but not much I can do about that.

Been talking to Diablo and Cage today :)

Diablo has been good today, its really lovely. Cage is lovely as normal. I also spoke to Conker, I really old friend of mine who I should talk to more. He has a really great blog called Generic Angry Guy.

I also spoke to a friend, let's call them Near - I miss that mofo. I really do.

Anyway back to the title of this post, despite losing allot and I mean allot of weight I am still really heavy and really unhappy with the way my stomach looks due to surgery (the life saving kind!! not cosmetic)
So provided nothing else goes wrong I should be able to get back into a routine this week, I really love routines.

I guess that's all for now - I feel exhausted again FU migraine!!

Feeling something something . . .

The past few days have been as bi polar as I am -

Cage has been awesome, the party was awesome, the talks, the hangs - everything.

He is so awesome.

I felt bad for being so withdrawn - there is so much in my head.

I always get funny after anxiety attacks anyway - I am always cautious of drunk people anyway no matter how awesome they are. I just hope he doesn't think its him or anything.

And then there is Diablo - my partner, The second there is anything to do with domestic tasks or my friends everything turns into a full blown domestic. I just wish things could work. I want them to. He's already told me if we break up I'll never see him again, it shakes me to my core.

I can't let go of people no matter how bad they treat me.

When is good though its so so so so good but when its bad its totally heart breaking.

I just want to curl up sometimes and not wake up.

Sometimes I just want to leave but I cant bring myself, I don't want to give up yet.

While there is still good I wont give up.

I've learnt I can't watch Perks Of Being A Wallflower and Sliverlinings Play Book. So triggering so so so triggering.

*epic sigh* I start working out again tomorrow, going to plant some lovely seedlings I got and some seeds too. Growing things make me happy.

Once work starts I want to play WoW again and join a 24 hour gym due to the weird hours Ill be working.

I just have to keep my mind off it for a while.