My self esteem is taking a huge hit, I don't know why, every time I see myself I hate my self more, its like I grow every time I look... bigger,fatter, more disgusting.
I am falling back into old habits, its awful - I feel like I want to cut all the fat parts off . . .though now its seems to have escalated from last time - I am not just targeting my stomach and thighs any more, I feel really fucked up over my breasts too. I want a boob job or I want them cut off, I just hate them now like I hate the rest of me.
I am on the brink of cutting it all off.
Just taking blades and cutting it off - I should also point out I missed therapy today, my therapist was sick.
I feel kind of helpless - but there is a strange quiet peace...maybe this relationship does only work when I am broken.
I miss Near and Cage and Conker and my friend F-Tank, since shes made good with her pedo ice junkie bf she doesn't come around any more
.I am talking to my ex fiancée ... Lets call him - Entropy.
I don't talk to him as much as I should, I miss him sometimes. I've never been so sure of anything in my life. Nothing has ever crumbled that badly before either lol The name is quite fitting - A slow and beautiful decline, kind of how our relationship went.
I wanted to go night swimming, maybe tomorrow, I hope so. It helps clear my head... besides there is only so much a swim suit can cover so I cant slip too bad tonight.
I am getting strange spider veins on my rib cage and breasts too, so odd. Not helping how I feel.
What I would give to melt into the floor and disappear.
Aofie
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