The fall and the crash

Art by me.

Well . . .the past few days have been one hell of a clusterfuck.

Diablo and I have been rocky as hell - I think its all ok now.
I'll fight till I am bleeding and broken as long as I think there is chance to make it better, I don't give up on love, or people in general. Not once in my life have I given up on someone.
I have walked away and only 3 times, one time I did fix, I just needed to breathe.

My eyes are so dry I cant even cry as release. I've had an upset stomach despite staying away from everything that I am intolerant to.
To top it off, Ive put on weight - I am avoiding as many picture of people as I can, the last thing I need is my E.D flaring up.

I just feel so miserable and broken and fragile - beaten down.

I would have given any bodypart/vital organ to kiss Near had I known it might have been my last chance, I should have taken the plunge on his last night, better forgiveness than permission right? Who am I kidding, the guilt would kill me, Its like he's behind a pane of glass - I just want to hold him one more time, Diablo changed the rules of our relationship and its almost two years till hes back again - though years,distance and lovers do little to quell what's between us, whatever it is - I'd never fall in love with him again, 18 year old me will never forget the pain, besides hes poly-married, I could only cope with a one off every now and then with him if it did happen.

Old feelings die hard, I couldn't deal with it some how, not where he is involved..

Diablo changed the rules just as Near and I where talking about how to make it work, our history, something that we've never spoken about in detail before - it hurts so much -

Near's words, the one's that will always remind me not to love him again are playing in my head, I feel 18 again: "I could really easily fall into a relationship with you, but I promised my self Id stay single for 12 months, I have to do this for myself, I am so sorry"
 I understand but that shredded me, I'd never met anyone like him before - I was always going to fall.

And then there is Cage, lovely lovely Cage, who I sadly was "that girl" to today, the one who vents about how shitty her bf is being. I feel pretty bad over it. I really do.
We went for a bush walk and took photos, got sushi and hung out. He really is amazing.
We are hanging out tomorrow, provided I get though tonight in one human shaped chunk it should be lovely and even if I dont it should be fun anyway.

This was a long post full of sighs -

Aofie